1. 1 year ago 

   Not Blog Appropriate- Peeling back skin, tissue and bone

   This was going to be a blog post on my blog http://www.absentmindedprof.net. After it was written, it seemed not appropriate for a blog, much more like musings in a journal somewhere. So, I opted to put it here, which has become something of a repository of slightly more personal writings. I may edit it considerably and it may appear in my blog at a later date in a slightly different tone/format. For now, I give you my personal musings of the day for your entertainment.
   

   I interacted with real live people today. Here’s the set of events leading up to it (so you have a context, ‘cause it matters):

   A new girl started working at the coffee shop in my building. This would not be cause for commentary, except that I go there almost every day (tiredness has prevented me from making my own espresso in the morning, so I buy…bad habit that I must break soon). We will call her Jane. She’s a nice girl, remembers my order.

   One morning, we chat. She mentions she was just in Indiana last weekend. Something pings inside my head and I ask, “You weren’t by any chance at GenCon were you?”

   “Yes, yes I was down there for GenCon,” Jane replies, amused. 

   As it turns out, this girl is a geek. Probably not quite as much of a geek as I am, but a geek nonetheless. In the way that it often does, this gives us a common ground and we begin talking quite a lot in the mornings, about geeky things, about being busy people, about working long hours and not really going out.
   Finally, after a couple weeks, it just seems to be getting silly, all this chit chat by the coffee shop, so I jot my number on the back of one of their business cards and give it to her, with a casual something about how we should hang out some time.

   I know what you’re thinking. This sounds like a pick up line. It’s not. I have sworn off dating. It only leads to bad things. Plus, the truth is none of the girls I meet are THAT girl (believe me, I’ve met her, they’re just not). So, I don’t date and had no ulterior motive besides an honest desire to meet up some time when I wasn’t running off to work.

   So, she texted me. We exchanged pleasantries and chit chat and then today we finally synchonized our schedules and went out (we’re both pretty busy people, so it took a while).
   So then Today:
   We went to lunch, we ate, blah blah. You don’t care about that stuff. What happened that matters was after lunch when we went to get some coffee.

   We started talking. Casual at first, and then somehow something came up about her boyfriend (who just dumped her but is still living at her house). In a typically reckless fashion I express concern and begin weighing in on possible motivations, solutions, all sort of random ass things that I often say when getting into conversations with people about difficult events. There is a point where I hit upon something that strikes a nerve (about being appreciated, I think) and during her response she begins to tear up. No, really, here I am practically a stranger and I have delved so deeply into this conversation about how she’s feeling, what she’s dealing with that I hit a nerve pretty hard.

   I stayed quiet for a bit, and we managed to flip some banter back and forth to let the moment subside. But I’ve been thinking about it today.

   People don’t like me much. That’s not true, people like me at first, and then this thing happens, this thing I can’t control. I get…intense. I delve into topics people would rather avoid. I peel away skin and tissue and bone and show pieces of my heart. Doing so engenders a certain kind of trust, and, for those who are daring, a desire to reveal something of themselves as well. If they do, it is pretty magical. I wonder if that’s why people struggle to be around me over long periods of time? Because I am constantly exposing the raw pieces of myself and prodding at the scarred tissue of others, looking for that connection. That magic.

   I’m beginning to suspect that I’m a connection whore. Some people like sex, some people like love, me…I like intense, complex conversation about people’s feelings (my own, others, doesn’t matter). What an odd thing to enjoy so much. It’s just that there’s beauty in the roots of things. There magic in what we feel, it’s all wrapped up in layers and fascinatingly intricate patterns. Today I was told, “You’re like House, not happy unless you have a puzzle to solve.” and that’s sort of true. But I’m not to trying to SOLVE other people…I’m just mesmerized by the complexity of what’s inside each of us. Some simpler, some incredibly complex (interesting side note: the more complex an individual…the more likely I am to want to spend time around them), but all varying shades and patterns and designs.
   We are each our own work of art and I an avid admirer of the art that is our humanity. I think if I had a smidge of creative talent I’d be one of those dark, tortured artist types who holes up in a studio somewhere exploring the deepest recesses of his soul and that junk. But I don’t, so instead I reach out and try to touch those pieces of our humanity that are most beautiful. Unfortunately, they tend to be the pieces we are most ashamed of, or that are the hardest for us to reveal to others.

2. Notes

Geekery, contemplations, musings. Standing at the intersection between art and business.

I’m shameless about writing what I think. I don’t pull punches, and I’m often snarky, grumpy, and discontent. I’m also often inappropriately sappy, romantic, and fanciful. I like well-rounded people and strive to be one myself.

I’m also a geek with a propensity for odd interests. I expect most of what I write not to appeal to the masses. So, masses, get your butt off my Tumblr and go watch TV or something. The rest of you: Welcome to the Weird World of Dawson’s Geek.

HEY! Feel free to ask me Stuff.

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